an irrelevant picture of myself being a uhhh, batwoman.

casually experiencing one of those i am just sitting, looking blankly at the computer screen thinking "how the fuck do i do this homework" days. 

I should get my thoughts right or else I'll be digging my own grave.

On a particularly fine day, I gushed about my experience with some people and they oohed & aahed as they have had a corresponding experience. 

thinking back, I gasped in pain at the staggering feels every damned night. 

Went to bed unhappy. 

Rough rough weeks.

I have come to a point where I love surrounding myself with people I care for and who returns my love. (who doesn't love, right?)

i am having one of those days where i feel like writing something.

my semester break has been okay, stressful, grim, fun, relaxing and all. And this one thing... think i've placidly accepted the fact that i've got to study again for that one paper that i missed out during last semester finals as i was diagnosed with dengue. Still a bit upset about this. Alas.
I never thought i was possibly going to die until my friend reminded me. Wtf.
So much love and care from people especially my family. So warm which made it impossible for me not to sob like a baby. I did not cry in front of them though of course! Haha.

I've grown to love talking about life with people, be it friends or lecturers or sometimes acquaintances. I genuinely enjoy telling my experiences and thoughts as a teenager and also love to listen and learn from theirs. I've always been very intrigued with learning about people and stuff like that.
I've also grown to love to read. I love it so much now to the extent where i cannot go on a day without reading. This is totally a bolt from the blue considering the fact that i hated reading so much when i was young. The relationship is like from no way to flimsy to i can't live without you. Literally.

Sometimes i laid awake at night thinking about the things i've always been wanting to do. Like continue piano and/or learn violin but then there's always obstacle... you know this lingering sense of emptiness trailing behind me.

yo is it just me or does everyone get excited about being in bakery shop?

i could spend hours.

met up with my close high school kawans during sem break.

change is in the air. 

things are becoming awkward it seems.

i still love y'all nonetheless.

advanced english lecturer and some of my classmates

semester two was more of a bitter experience.
and i thought "oh well" in regard to that bitter.

on a brighter note, i made new friends. :)

i didn't know it's possible to have this high of a stress level. 

this English term paper is taking its toll on me. 

i was holding on the urge of crying when i was with my mom just now. :'(

but i cried anyway.

the morning sun shone persistently on my still-shut eyelids.

rise and shineeee eee ee!



woke up thinking: "i am gonna make the most out of my teenage years."
i have so many exciting stuffs running circles in my head that it barely fits.

i have always thought that my front line of defence against too much of thinking is... sleep but this crazy experience i had a few days back had ruined the rest of my self-confidence. Well literally. Actually it was about me having three consecutive dreams of collecting spm results in the same night. I had these dreams just right before the announcement day. How insanely ridiculous i can't. Clearly i did not sleep well. And all i felt in my stomach when i woke up was butterflies, the not beautiful kind.

with sweats all over my body as i walked towards the school hall where everyone was anxiously waiting at. Upon seeing my classmates, i was reminded of how terribly they had been missed. Good times good times. :')


i found myself in a place of vague contentment when i got my results slip after i've had enough of all this waiting. I wouldn't say i am not at all happy though. That's okay i guess as my hard work did pay off. I am satisfied.
AH. I was SO happy for my friends who achieved excellent results. I could totally see such genuine joy in their faces and whaaaaat? those smiles, so charming!

when i was having some alone time, literally, i awoke with lights playing on my eyelids,
"why?"  
"what if i got straight A's?"  

all that "what if's"



and mom, that was hurtful. I cried but i am totally capitalizing on this cry. Thanks.

...and there are these whispered words: "do y'all know i like to photograph [?]"  

i love making a picture happen.  

i am not a photographer // only an admirer of work like this.    

 

on the other way round [....]

i've never ever ever liked having picture taken of me // i've always been very self conscious about being unphotogenic/ large busted. *roll eyes  

sometimes i'd go out of my way to give myself a try but... 

 

somewhere along the line things started feeling different. Things may just have started to turn, what's that strange feeeeeeeeeling?

everything just feels different but strangely familiar.   

chatted with my uncle sometime ago and bam he made me realize that i need to learn to be moderate in life. Somewhere deep in my mind, i know i am pushing myself too much and also taking on too much. 

 

today my eldest brother made time for me for the thing that i am so doubtful about. (thanks for being thoughtful!)

 

it seems that a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder... um literally. 

 

so anticipating yet uncertain.  

God bless! 

my holiday has been unbelievably productive i guess so... except for the times when I am all alone.with.no.exact.intention.

helloooooo. I feel serious i sound serious... i am serious.

have I got my mind made up? Every so often I catch myself in that contracted state of responding from a place of fear, where i am barely breathing... that i find myself hemming and hawing about that. I just hate how sometimes i have a tendency to procrastinate or be indecisive.
a little bit quite a bit stressed, quite a bit confused, floundered. But i am definitely onto something.

there's this time(like finally duh), i went up to my mom and talked about the objective I want to achieve(this is just one of the objectives). In all my life i have never been so serious over a decision. Ya know that very intense feeling. Ahhhh!!!!

so all this while i have been seeking advice from people and... sigh.
the only thing that matters to me right now is my own effort and how hard i try.

I brace myself for the beautiful struggles that are soon to comeeeeeee! :S
I am rather excited tho.

It takes everything in me not to text you    ml.
there's always a but.

I bet you forgot about me tho. 

yesterday was Christmas. It's 12:59am as i am typing this.

both good and bad things happened.
the day before Christmas, Monday, I received a call from her. A very disheartening news happened. All this while i could do was be a listener. Can't help but to cry together on the phone.

I HATE BEING HELPLESS. ZZZZZZ

yikes! I have hit the level of stress where my stomach feels like acid and I can't quite catch my breath.

having 10 days of break is definitely not a good thing at this point.

T______________T

these thoughts are engulfing me. I am getting them to turn into words. Excuse me.


remember when you were feeling down? and I was there for you the whole night to make you feel better anytime. And when your best friends broke your heart I was there to make you strong and for you to see what you are worth it. Remember when you have no one to talk to?
you always relate to me.
remember when everyone's so mean to you? I was there to make you feel that you weren't alone.

and when we grew, you forgot about me. You broke your promise. I made efforts. Nothing.

and there, your lovely best friends blame me for everything that's happened between us.


somewhere between the little fights earlier, I knew I was the one at fault, I apologized.
I was such a self-centered person. They reminded me of this(thanks though!). Thar was so horrible.



did you know that? I was not invited to your mini birthday party this year. I was so surprised and all. We just met and had fun being on duty just the minute before the celebration started. I didn't know about this until I happened to hand something to someone at the same place where the celebration was held.
the feeling of sheer horror literally swept through me.
...fragile existence.
I came to the realization that you will probably forget half of the things I will always remember.

I don't hate you, I am just disappointed that you turned into everything you said you'd never be.
Don't get me wrong, you still mean so much to me. At some point I am just beginning to realize that you aren't worth the tears anymore.

If one day you notice that we haven't talked in a while, it's not because I don't care anymore (sometimes when I say I don't, I still do; that basically shows how stupid I am), it's because you pushed me away.

as of now, knowing I can't do anything just cracks me up. :(((

if you were in my shoes, you'd know how I felt.

my mumsie ... ... ... ... ...

mom: "you need to lose weight already you know, like stop taking long naps."
this conversation was in public... in front of my cousins and family friends. Holy.

me: *looked away with an embarrassing smile* and thinking inside my heart "and also start eating less like seriously."

this happened a few days ago.

and the day before yesterday during dinner outside ...
my dad asked me ... oh gawd.

dad: "when was the last time you weighed yourself?" "look at yourself now... eat then sleep eat then sleep" *shook head*

me: "I don't know..." *walked away with embarrassing facial expression and went to buy some food*

clearly I must have gained a lot of weight recently oh noes :(:(:(
I eat a lot and take superdupermega long naps like dowh.

I do exercise and sometimes work out. For like 2-3 times a week. Guess I will have to have a better plan for losing weight. Zzzzzz

what is sleep? Sleep seems like a complete waste of time but it feels ahmayzing. How great is it for us if sleep does not exist so we have more time to do our own stuff. :(
does it sound legit?

you mean so much to me than you will ever know.

I hope you know that.

I was flabbergasted. I was in tears when reading your message. It was my fault. I didn't mean to.
I am so scared of losing you :(:(

so...
people come people go.

seems like I am just another person in THEIR life and I don't matter that much. Not really surprising. Getting used to it huh I should say...
they don't even know.

Not only you. There are a few of them.
They say I should talk to them. I did. I got the same old response. Never easy.
along the way, I have grown since then but I don't fucking take friendship lightly honey.

I guess there fucking comes a time when I will be sick of trying... I hope I will but my mind would not stop.
The same feeling the same silence.

everything and nothing all at once. Okay fuck this shit.

"I miss you, how are you?"

the past is done.